The worse wort is worry

I've read all the quotes about worry "like a rocking chair, keeps you busy but gets you no where", "a down payment on a problem you may never have", or even "don't worry, be happy". But I am worried. I admit it. I'm trying to fight that feeling, but....it just keeps sneaking back.

My solution to worry is many things. Talking about, praying about it, listening to Joyce Meyer and now, blogging about it. I have to do some internet investigation on how else to deal with it because it's not working. And it only paralyzes me.

My fear is health related. I've had an issue lately that, right away, makes me scared something major is going on in my body. So the fear is...what lies ahead, of course. What is it exactly? What will I have to endure to eradicate it? It's a fear that makes me cry, and shake and even slows down the work I've done on getting ready to move. It's all consuming. And as the day gets closer to the tests I'm going for, my fear is just overwhelming. Especially today. All I want to do is sit in front of the TV for escape. Watch moves, watch comedies, watch old black and white movies, listening to hilarious stand up, but it's not relief for long. Then reality comes sneaking back in again.

I've always been a strong person, but I wonder if the worst is an actuality....how strong I really am? If the last couple weeks is any indication.....I'm not. I'm already scared, but is that just the mystery of what the issue is? Will the truth scare me even more?

I'm glad of one thing; I've been able to sleep at night. I purposely stay up late until I'm REALLY tired and then go to bed; hoping I won't wake up in the middle of the night. Why is it that your worries are even worse if you wake up at around 3am? It's terrible waking up then, getting back to sleep can be next to impossible. It's the bewitching hour - are there really evil forces at play?

So I'll continue to blog about this. Tomorrow's just the tests so...I might not know more then. Hopefully I'll have some nice people taking care of me; that makes a BIG difference in the whole experience. I'll never forget when I went to emergency for my blood clot, the people who first talked to me were SO insensitive! Fortunately, they got nicer as soon as I was admitted. I even ended up seeing a familiar face there - which was funny!

Hopefully if the rains come, I will adjust and dance in it! :)