Gotta love the t-shirt, huh? Thank you Christine, I got a great laugh over it. Which I needed. I consider myself a pretty low-key, low drama person but sometimes reality just comes crashing in and on those moments i have to vent. So here's my latest stress.....maybe writing about it will make me feel better. Couldn't hurt.
I am job paranoid; I'm completely insecure at work and it sucks. I started in purchasing about 8 years ago and figured I'd finally found a job I was good at. It's kind of the opposite of sales; you still have the daily people contact without having to do all the customer ass kissing. I've never been one who was good a BS'ing so I don't think I could be a good enough personal sales pitch. So 3 jobs ago I had this pretty decent gig at this company and somehow I always found a way to screw it up. I just killed it with procrastination. If something turned out to be too difficult, I just put it aside until it became a MAJOR issue. It was weird, I almost felt like I was planning my demise because it ALWAYS caught up with me. My boss was so hands on,....to the point where he'd run duplicate reports and check our work so it wasn't something I could hide. He put up with; I got screamed at once but other than that it was a relatively painless job. Wait, no it wasn't. It sucked. I hated it. I couldn't get over the hump, it was STRANGE. I looked for other jobs but didn't find much. Then one day I finally got my reprieve. I was laid off.
So on I went to another gig that I found two weeks later. Or should I say, it found me. Now this job, I liked. I liked the people, I loved my boss and the job was pretty easy and the pay was great. The only issue....I was a contractor with no real chance at getting hired on. After about a year and a half, I started getting antsy for things like decent health coverage that didn't cost me half my paycheck and PAID VACATION. So I found another job. Things were headed in the right direction. WRONG.
This job was a nightmare. It was in purchasing but I had NO experience in the area of their business. None. Zero. Zilch. I got by for about 3 months and then it went to to hell. The owner hated me, my supervisor compiled lists of the "issues" she had to resolve with me, everyone in the office other than two people were two-faced back-stabbers. At least the owner was pretty clear about how he felt about me. Fortunately, I left my contractor gig in such good standing, they even told me at my going away bar bash that if this gig didn't work out to call them and they'd do whatever they could to get me back. So one day while I was scanning the online job ads, I saw my present position listed on Careerbuilder.com. That was it. I went right in to the HR bitches office and confronted her on it. She denied it of course but went running into my supervisors office the minute my back was turned. On the way to a doctors appointment that same day I called my ex-boss and asked him if I could come back. Let me tell you, putting in my 6 day notice (fuck em, they didn't earn 2 weeks worth of respect from me!) was the greatest day I had in MONTHS.
Back to contractor gig I went and it was even better the 2nd time than the first. (the job...get your mind out of the gutter!) My attitude was completely different, my job was a little different and actually better than what I had left and I was making more money. Unfortunately, business was down and suddenly my job was in jeopardy of going away. Right around the holidays no less. My boss felt bad and I understood that. I really wanted to find something before I got let go....which I did.
So day 2 of the year 2006 I started my new job. It's temp-to-perm and basically I feel like I have 13 weeks to prove myself worthy. (4 down, 9 to go) So here I am, paranoid. I'm afraid to make a mistake. I wake up and worry and I come home running the whole day through my head making sure I did everything right. Isn't that crazy? Who can live like this?! I don't want to be the procrastinator anymore...which I feel I've definitely conquered but at the same time I still have nightmares from the last job-from-hell. I couldn't trust a person in the place so anytime someone at my new office has a closed door meeting, I think they're talking about me. I think my supervisor is interviewing my replacement behind my back and I'm scared to make a wrong move. It's just insane.
I took alot of psychology classes in college and what it comes down to is I have to forgive myself for my past screw ups, learn from them and not repeat them. The issue I can't seem to resolve is how to get over this whole "everyone's out to get me" feeling. Does anyone have Dr. Phil's phone number?
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